good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
