$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
too bad you live with your parents still
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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