there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
