Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
