Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
