I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Randomize
