You're my little dorito
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
