i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
