i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
