there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Randomize
