Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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