Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
