I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
