I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
