I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
