Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
