i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
