So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
