I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
