Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
