took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
