we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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