You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
