beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
