I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
