oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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