Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
