somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
