Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
