OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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