Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
