i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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