The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
