I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
You're a disaster
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