Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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