I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
