Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
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