everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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