Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Where did you get a picture of my penis
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
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