you traded sex for a burrito?
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
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