And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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