I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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