When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
