The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
