i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
