Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
