2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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