It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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