oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
