I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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