that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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