The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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