thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
